...and I love you, I love you, I love you like never before.
Today is sort of a bittersweet day for me. It is the day before Thanksgiving, and my first week back at Weight Watchers. My inner fatty (I feel like I need to name her) is telling me, "Why didn't you wait until after Thanksgiving?! Then you could eat all you wanted, Dummy." And even though I lost 1.4 pounds this week, I know I am still in her grips. I feel a sadness and uncertainty. I don't really want her to let go, either. I don't really know how to explain. I have had this security blanket of fat my entire life. It's easy to not be responsible for your life when the reason relationships don't work... the reason your life isn't working... the reason you're not happy... is because you're fat.
Last year at Thanksgiving I was 20 pounds lighter and I felt awesome, but I also got so scared by who I was becoming that I ran away from it. And here I am again, faced with the possibility of who I could be.....of who I am, rather, and I am terrified. This whole year has been such a process. In some ways, I am a completely different person than I was even just 6 months ago. In some ways, I haven't changed a bit. But I know one thing: I am on the cusp of something really great. I just have to grab it. And hold on for dear life.
I know this because I am almost 6 months sober. Drinking was the first real demon I ever concurred. I've said many times that my DUI was the best worst thing that ever happened to me. And the only reason I'm still sober is because I held on to sobriety like my life depended on it. I just wish I knew how to hold on to losing weight the same way. But I wasn't always a drinker. I've always been fat. Where do I go from here? Where do I hide? That's my biggest fear. It's almost like I have this physical barrier to hide behind. What do I do when that's gone?
Maybe that's when my body will tell me, For you, there'll be no more crying...for you, the sun will be shinin'...