Sunday, November 27, 2011

holiday blues

Thanksgiving is a time for the three F's.  Family.  Food.  Football.  It is a time of rejoicing and being grateful for everything and everyone we have in our lives.  It is for apple cider and blankets.  It's for scoring for our favorite teams.  It's for spending time with out of town family.  It's for warm fires and snuggling. But mostly it's about the food, right?

I managed to actually stay within my goal and only use 4 extra points for Thanksgiving Day.  I had the turkey and all the fixings and still managed to stay on plan.  I was so proud of myself.  The next morning, I cooked myself a good breakfast and had a very smart buffet lunch at a family function. I was so on track and loving it. Nothing could stop me.  I could feel myself getting skinnier with every bite of carrot I took.

My family and I were on our way to a hockey game and it hit me...this incredible urge to eat everything I could possibly get my hands on.  " can have a nice salad," rang in my ears and I didn't hear another word of the conversation.  I know it was out of love and wanting to be supportive, but I didn't want a salad.  And I didn't want to be told what I could and couldn't have.

By the time I got home and everyone else had gone to sleep, the urge was so bad that I just gave in and ate that dreaded midnight snack.  As I was eating, I was thinking, I'm not even hungry, I don't want this, why am I doing this?  Stop. Stop.  Please, stop.  But I didn't.  It was almost like I couldn't.  That's the moment I realized what a bitch this inner fat girl really is.  And how truly hopeless it feels to be addicted to something.

This is a brutal battle and I'm ready for the fight.  I had a bad day, but there will be so many great days to come, I'm excited to live them.  In the spirit of the holiday, I'll close by saying that I am eternally grateful for the friends and family I have that support me in this journey.  I am thankful for the encouragement and support and love I am shown by each and every person that stands with me on this road to recovery.  This truly is a road to recovery and I appreciate everyone that is sharing it with me!  xoxo

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

and the song birds are singing like they know the score...

...and I love you, I love you, I love you like never before.

Today is sort of a bittersweet day for me.  It is the day before Thanksgiving, and my first week back at Weight Watchers.  My inner fatty (I feel like I need to name her) is telling me, "Why didn't you wait until after Thanksgiving?! Then you could eat all you wanted, Dummy."  And even though I lost 1.4 pounds this week, I know I am still in her grips.  I feel a sadness and uncertainty.  I don't really want her to let go, either.  I don't really know how to explain.  I have had this security blanket of fat my entire life.  It's easy to not be responsible for your life when the reason relationships don't work... the reason your life isn't working... the reason you're not happy... is because you're fat.  

Last year at Thanksgiving I was 20 pounds lighter and I felt awesome, but I also got so scared by who I was becoming that I ran away from it.  And here I am again, faced with the possibility of who I could be.....of who I am, rather, and I am terrified. This whole year has been such a process.  In some ways, I am a completely different person than I was even just 6 months ago.  In some ways, I haven't changed a bit.  But I know one thing: I am on the cusp of something really great.  I just have to grab it.  And hold on for dear life.  

I know this because I am almost 6 months sober.  Drinking was the first real demon I ever concurred.  I've said many times that my DUI was the best worst thing that ever happened to me.  And the only reason I'm still sober is because I held on to sobriety like my life depended on it.  I just wish I knew how to hold on to losing weight the same way.  But I wasn't always a drinker.  I've always been fat.  Where do I go from here?  Where do I hide?  That's my biggest fear.  It's almost like I have this physical barrier to hide behind.  What do I do when that's gone?  

Maybe that's when my body will tell me, For you, there'll be no more crying...for you, the sun will be shinin'...

Sunday, November 20, 2011

3 days in...

I'm loving it already.  I've started cooking again, which is always magic.  I have been planning my meals, and tracking everything.  No workouts yet, but that'll come soon.  I remember last year at this time, I was 20 pounds lighter.  How is that possible!?  Well, it is.  
Anyweight, I bought these awesome spoons from WW that are serving spoons, but are also...wait for it...measuring cups!  So now when I want to serve a meal and not first measure, I'm all set.  And check out how it allows you to serve rice.
I made this dinner - Basmati rice with lemon pepper shrimp, asparagus and onion.  It was so good and only 7 points!

I love my life and I am so happy to be on this journey again.  It feels so amazing!!!

Friday, November 18, 2011

gettin' skinny, minnie

So I've started Weight Watchers again.
I haven't written in a million years and I'd forgotten how fun and therapeutic it is. So I've decided to reopen the blogging chapter in my life and create this as part of my weight loss journey.
I started WW originally in 2008 and have been up and down since then. This time last year, I was 20 pounds lighter and I miss it. So I'm back on track, and feeling very motivated today. i know the time will come when I am no longer motivated and want to shove my face with pizza, so here I am, keeping track of all my moments, good and bad, to remind myself that it's a work in progress.
I read something today that made me smile - weight loss isn't that daunting when you realize you're just losing 1 pound, 70 times. YES! This is exactly what I needed. I get so scared thinking, Oh my god, HOW am I going to lose this much weight!? How have I GAINED this much weight?! But at the end of the day, I'm going to take it off the same way I put it on - one pound at a time.

I am strong and capable. My support system is rock solid. I can do this!!
word on the street is...